The importance of Play

Play is the first form of learning and attunement play starts very early – games like peek a boo and repeating baby sounds back to an infant set the tone for connection and a sense of safety within our youngsters. This emotional connection builds awareness and creates a sense of being understood and cared for – critical factors for a child to build confidence and start to explore the world. 

As our children get bigger, we tend to play with them less and start to bring an expectation of adult behaviour to our interaction with them – especially with eldest children. With this adultification and dwindling play comes a drop in connection opportunities. Even as adults we need to have fun, to play and to cast off our adult responsibilities from time to time.

Our young people crave this interaction. And they crave it with us, their parents. 

We also assume that play is something that happens between peers, and we forget that we can offer invaluable access to this part of our kids. “The more responsive the parent is to their child, the deeper the attachment and the more likely the child will develop healthy ways of responding to the people around them,” says Bessel van der Kolk in his book, The Body Keeps the Score.

In a nutshell: play is a wonderful and simple shortcut to making children and young adults feel safe, connected, and loved.

But what if we find it tedious? What if we find it hard to access the playful side of ourselves?

Here are some suggestions:

As they wake, find silly and light-hearted ways to connect with them:

·      As you dress your child, place their trousers on your head and tell them that this is where their trousers are meant to go. They’ll soon tell you that’s not where they go. Some children may even say you are being silly – if so, you can confirm that this is EXACTLY what you are being. (When they do the same next day, tell them you’d love to see them turn up to school with trousers on their head – give them joy in the pretending.)

·      Pretend to put toothpaste on their hairbrush. (Be prepared to clean it up if they do the same, knowing that a hairbrush will wash and, although irritating, will be easy enough to sort out.)

·      Pour milk into their bowl with the lid still on. “Doh! I messed up there, never mind!”

At the end of the day, when you collect your child from school, be ready to connect:

·      Be prepared to finish your conversation with another adult quickly and to fully engage with your child. By all means apologise in advance to the adult with whom you are speaking – and let them know you are going to turn your attention to your child as soon as they approach you.

·      Look at them directly in the eye as they approach and offer the biggest hug. (When they refuse your hug, don’t take it personally; it tells you something else is needed. Get curious)

·      Pick them up and swing them around if you can. Give them the sense of joy that you feel when you see them after a day apart.

·      Treat them to your childish side - have a joke up your sleeve that you can share or get stuck into a game of tag. 

·      Put time aside to play in the playground for a few minutes TOGETHER; shelve adult conversations and focus on your child’s need to re-attune with you through play. 

·      Let them know you have missed their company and are delighted to spend time with them again. Thank them for playing with you.

When at home, when your child asks you to play with them:

·      Respond immediately with “YES!” Even if you must follow up with “as soon as I have finished changing the baby’s nappy.”

·      If the idea of child’s play is tedious and uninviting – set a timer: “I’d love to play with you. Thank you for asking – the timer is set for 5 minutes (less if you can’t bear it) on my phone, after which I’ll return to making dinner.” You will come to realise that it is a very short amount of time and you will see just how much your child values moments of connection like this. 

·      When the timer goes off, thank your child for giving their time to you. And let them know that you are looking forward to the next opportunity you have together. 

Conscious Parenting: The Basics was summed up this week as ““Life changing. Awesome. So powerful. Essential (for me). Penny-droppingly brilliant.” 

What would your Mum say??

Shifting our parenting style from a paradigm employed by our parents can be challenging and uncomfortable. No more so than when we demonstrate a new approach under the watchful eye of our own Mum or Dad.

You may face outright criticism of your parenting approach, or perhaps you are being met with a face filled with unspoken judgement. Maybe your parents resort to their traditional “Because I say so!” parenting style when you are not around.

And yet, there are parts of your childhood experience on which you’d like to improve…

Firstly, take time to acknowledge to yourself that your parents did the very best they could. Their resources were not the same as ours are (I’m thinking the internet, taboo subjects and open conversations), culturally accepted norms were different (children should be seen and not heard; spanking was still part of the parenting toolbox) and, most importantly, neuroscience was not nearly as developed as it is today, so their sources of trusted information were limited.

Secondly, acknowledge to parents that you appreciate this and wish to build on all they did and so you have decided to do things differently, without any intention to vilify or discredit their work. You may need to reassure your parent(s) that your love for them is not compromised by the difference in your parenting strategies. It’s not personal.

And finally, gently request that your parent(s) try to follow your lead. Explain your methodology in a careful and considered way “I appreciate that you did the best you could for me (and my siblings) and I’m really grateful for that. There is so much more research that has taken place around child development since then of which I’d really like to take advantage and so would it be ok if you….”

Some of the classic lines you may encounter include (but are not limited to):

“We told you to get on with it and you turned out ok”

to which you can reply

“I know you did the best that you could and I’m grateful for that. There were times when I really could have used your time to talk through the difficulties I was facing, rather than just get on with them. I choose to offer that time to my child(ren) and I’d love it if you do the same when they are distressed or disgruntled.”

“You are being weak, don’t let a child get away with this behaviour!”

to which you can reply

“I believe that a child’s inconvenient or inappropriate behaviour is simply an immature way of communicating a need. I’m keen to understand what the need is, so I’m going to approach this with curiosity rather than punishment.”

“This is utter chaos, I can’t cope!”

to which you can reply

“Yes, it’s pretty hectic, I get that. The kid’s energy is high right now and I think that means they need to burn it off. I’m going to take them for a walk soon. Would you like to come?”

“How will they cope in the world if you don’t show them what harsh reality looks like?”

to which you can reply, in the words of LR Knost

“It’s not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It’s our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.”

The next course on how to implement these strategies starts on 6 June. It’s filling up! Book here.

Authenticity

Authenticity – what on earth is that? Last week I referred to authenticity in the context of encouraging your child to pay attention to their inner voice in order to develop their body autonomy.

On an expanded level – and to attempt to answer the question - authenticity is the capacity to be true to your own values and spirit, regardless of pressure from elsewhere to act differently. It is desirable because it exudes trustworthiness and confidence. Moreover, authenticity inspires others to feel safe and to share more of themselves by responding with their own authenticity. We move into a place where we fully see one another, in all our imperfect glory.

Brene Brown says “To be authentic, we must cultivate the courage to be imperfect—and vulnerable. We have to believe that we are fundamentally worthy of love and acceptance, just as we are. I've learned that there is no better way to invite more grace, gratitude and joy into our lives than by mindfully practicing authenticity.”

You can see how authenticity brings a deeper connection which fundamentally gives our life purpose and meaning. No time is this more true than in childhood – without connection with a significant caregiver, children are unable to survive.

So yes! We want our children to be authentic!

And yet… we spend large chunks of their childhood instructing them on the way that they should respond and controlling how they behave. We ask them to ignore their feelings for fear of upsetting another – a sibling, a friend, a teacher… us! And for many other reasons.

And here’s the thing: in order to remain attached and connected to their prime caregiver, children will compromise their authenticity.

This makes it hard for your child to be true to their own values and spirit. And later, when they are emerging adults and we encourage independent thought and free thinking, this leads to confusion from young people about who they are in the world.

Yes! We want our children to be authentic! We want them to speak their opinions honestly and assertively, without aggression. We want them to pursue their passions and make decisions that are in line with their values. We want them to listen to their inner voice, be vulnerable and open-hearted. For all of the reasons that Brene Brown states above (check her out if you don’t know her already; she rocks.)

Furthermore, Neil Pasricha, author of You Are Awesome states: “When you’re authentic, you end up following your heart, and you put yourself in places and situations and in conversations that you love and that you enjoy. You meet people that you like talking to. You go places you’ve dreamt about. And you end up following your heart and feeling very fulfilled.”

If this makes sense to you, you may wonder what you can do about it – how does this play out on a practical level as you parent your offspring?

1. Get curious. When your child triggers anger or irritation in you – be authentic yourself while asking: what do they need from you?“Woah, I’m angry right now. [Modelling authenticity – without projecting your feeling onto them]I’m going to take some deep breaths to regulate myself [Modelling self-regulation]I think there is something happening for you too. I’m interested to know what that is and to work out how I can help you.” [Modelling compassion & kindness. Encouraging authenticity]

2. Find the capacity to tolerate Big Feelings when you can.“I sense there is something big which you aren’t sure how to describe. [Modelling compassion & kindness.]I am here for you while you work it out. No rush” [Encouraging authenticity]

3. Notice them when they behave in a way that seeks your attention.“You just hit your brother. [Statement of fact without blame or attack]It’s never ok to hurt yourself, anyone else or to damage something [Setting clear boundaries].However, you need something from me. I’m here while we work this out together. Take your time.” [Encouraging authenticity]

4. Be present – this doesn’t mean simply be in the room. It means giving your full attention to your child. Putting down your phone. Looking them in the eye. Letting them know how much they mean to you through your open body language.

5. Be aware of internal and external influence – are you comparing your child’s behaviour to that of another child? Are you comparing your response to that of another parent/family? If you sense you are doing that:“Oh heck, what will the neighbours think while my child is bashing their legs against the wall?”or“John Smith’s child doesn’t act out like this. There must be something wrong with my child.”Check yourself and dig deep inside to find a place of self-regulation (a deep breath, step away, ask your partner to step in if possible, get rest, get extra support if you need it…)

And, as always, notice that you cannot possibly facilitate authenticity at all times – either yours or that of your child. Small adjustments can make all the difference and change takes time, energy and commitment. You will be glad you applied all three.

If you have any questions, or if you want to see something else discussed here, get in touch.

Body Autonomy

When your child refuses to kiss Granny goodbye or feels shy to cuddle your best friend, how do you react? When they reject the food you offer, what’s your default comment? When they are scared, how do you deal with it?

Your child’s sense of their body autonomy rises from your response to their bodily felt experiences.

What is body autonomy?

It is the right to make decisions about one’s own life and future - being empowered to make informed choices. And I’m pretty sure that most of us want our children to learn this skill. To learn the ability to say no when one’s boundary is crossed - either physically, emotionally or psychologically - is an incredibly hard competence to master and we assume our children can do it. Yet how can they if we are telling them not to listen to their body felt experience?

Let’s set the scene. You are at Grandma’s house and your child doesn’t want to kiss Grandma goodbye. Out of embarrassment, you insist - believing you are teaching your child good manners and/or strengthening the bond between your relative and your child. How about acknowledging that they don’t want to do it this time, that it’s ok and perhaps they would like to next time. Yes, Grandma may be disappointed, so gently state “Sorry, Mum, let’s give them a little space. I’d like them to learn how to say no when someone wants to touch them. Perhaps next time.”

Or dinner time “I don’t want to eat these vegetables!” Out of fear that your child will never eat vegetables, you insist - believing that you are teaching them a valuable lesson about nutrition and reassuring yourself that your child is fed. How about acknowledging that they have a choice about what they put into their body “No green beans for you today? That’s ok. I don’t fancy green beans sometimes either. Perhaps you will give them a go next time.”

“I’m scared of the dark!” cries your eldest. Out of worry that this will escalate at bedtime, you tell them there is nothing to be scared about, believing that you are teaching them that they can trust you because you are a grown up and have learned that the dark is not something of which they need to be scared. How about acknowledging the fear and asking them about it “I can see you are scared of the dark. You look frightened. Tell me more about how you feel. Perhaps I can help you.”

These responses all encourage a child to become aware and pay attention to their inner voice - and in doing so, you teach them to be authentic. (More on authenticity next time.)

Furthermore, how can you be respectful of your child? Do you sometimes overpower their body, restrict or tickle? Can you make a request before you launch in? Respect them when you wash, hug or dress them? They are learning to honour their body - do you want to contribute to this learning?

Here are a few other examples which tell your child to follow others and ignore their inner voice:

“You are tired,” when they would rather stay up.

“You are hungry,” when they would rather play.

“Play with your friend, why are you sitting with me?” when they choose to watch and not play.

Can this go too far? The question often comes up. “Should you ask a baby permission before you change their nappy?” The truth is that only you will know what is right for you, your child, your relationship, your family - no one can teach or tell you that. I invite you to bring curiosity to your exchanges with your kids - do your exchanges encourage autonomy? How would you want them to respond to a stranger in this situation? Are you teaching them that they have a choice and that they can respect their body’s choices? Or are you teaching that another knows their body better than they do?

I’m not suggesting that anything goes - Conscious Parenting is not carte blanche for kids to behave in any way they choose, and this is where further reading, learning and practice comes in, especially if there are parts of our own childhood we don’t wish to recreate for our kids.

There are non-negotiables, such as you will not simply observe as they hurt themselves or another. For example, if they are about to run into the road, you shout and this may cause distress - if you shout and respond in the similar way when they say they don’t want to cuddle Grandma, the road becomes as dangerous as not cuddling Grandma in a child’s eyes. Body autonomy becomes dangerous and it becomes even harder to set boundaries.

Conscious Parenting is the possibility to choose, consciously, what feels right for our family and for our child in the present moment, knowing that life changes, that our children age and that your response may be very different next time.

As always, if you have no clue what I’m waffling about, get in touch! I’m always keen to answer questions.

Conscious Parenting: The Basics - June 2022 places are filling. Book here if you want to join. There are only eight family spots. This is the last course until September 2022.